It’s so important that we start the conversation about coercive control and continue the conversation because it’s there at the beginning and it’s there at the end.

Another important thing that we have to focus on is the fact that the perpetrator isn’t only controlling their partner but they are also controlling professionals, agencies, in fact everyone else around them.

It’s not only the survivor of domestic abuse that sees the perpetrator for the charming partner, everyone else does to, yet, it’s only the survivor who is blamed for not seeing them as the controlling perpetrator!

If only domestic abuse was as easy as a punch in the face on the first date, instead of charm, charisma and care, but it isn’t, it’s about power and control with the perpetrator doing all they can to gain and maintain that power and control.

If the onus is always on the survivor and the perpetrator is never held accountable then nothing will ever change. We need to start changing the narrative.

Domestic abuse happens because perpetrators choose to abuse, no one chooses to be a victim of domestic abuse.

That first night I met him, if he had slapped me across the face there would have been no second date but because he made me feel safe, he made me smile, he made me feel special; he was in control from the second I sat next to him at that table. I told him how close I was to my mum, how I loved my job as a legal secretary and that I had a busy social life. Never for one minute thinking I was giving him all the ammunition he needed to isolate, manipulate and control me, taking away my support network.

Many of you reading this will be saying, but he didn’t stop you doing those things though did he? Of course you could have phoned or visited your mum, you could have gone out with friends and you could have gone to work if you really wanted to. How can someone MAKE you stop doing those things?

It was the consequences that followed that made me stop doing those things. The physical violence, the verbal threats, the looks and gestures that followed. That followed EVERY single time that I phoned my mum, after I went out with friends and when I got home from work.

When I met him, he seemed so popular with everyone telling me what a grate guy he was and how he would look after me. So many people saying the same thing, so who was I to argue or disagree?

He would be so helpful to the little old lady next door yet at home and behind closed doors was a completely different story but no one saw that, so it didn’t happen but they saw him clean the neighbours guttering.

When the Police arrived he was calm and in control, when he instructed a solicitor to start family court proceedings I was the bitch who wouldn’t let him see his daughter, when he wanted us to have mediation I was the one who was the problem. Professionals are also blinded by coercive control, they too see the caring partner not the controlling perpetrator.

Remember, domestic abuse isn’t a one of, it doesn’t happen once during and that’s it. It’s a pattern of behaviour that increases in severity and frequency; it never stops.

The consequences are paralyzing and makes it difficult to break free from the cycle of abuse. The emotional manipulation and control tactics not only made me feel trapped but also dependent on him. The fear of the repercussions from leaving were terrifying, he would be losing control and I would become even more vulnerable.

When talking about domestic abuse as a whole we must, and I cannot stress this enough, we must talk about coercive control and continue that conversation. You can’t feel it, you can’t see or smell it, but it’s always there. It’s deadly.