We hear this misleading description time and time again failing to recognise the pattern of abuse leading up to such tragic outcomes.
Domestic abuse is not an isolated incident, it involves a pattern of harmful behaviours over time. It is a cycle of power and control that escalates in severity. Each incident is connected to others, forming a larger pattern of abuse. Recognising this pattern is crucial in understanding the dynamics of domestic abuse and providing support to survivors.
How many times do you hear the term, it was an isolated incident, when switching on the news to hear about another domestic abuse homicide, with the police not looking for anyone else and the two people are known to each other.
We must change the language and talk about domestic abuse for what it really is. This shift in language will help to convey the seriousness of domestic abuse, promoting a better understanding and response to this crime.
Anyone can be a victim of domestic abuse regardless of gender, age, ethnicity, religion, soci-economic status, sexuality or background. All forms of domestic abuse are not acceptable in any situation.
Referring to domestic abuse as an isolated incident can downplay the seriousness. We must better convey the true nature of domestic abuse and promote a more comprehensive understanding of the issue. This will encourage others to take action against domestic abuse.
It is absolutely crucial to acknowledge that men can be victims of domestic abuse women can be perpetrators, to help breakdown stereotypes and promote inclusivity in discussions about domestic abuse.
Many men will feel extreme shame, shame that they have been abused, been unable to stand up for themselves, or somehow failed in their role as a male, husband or father.
Many misconceptions minimise male survivors of domestic abuse; changing stereotypical attitudes takes time and persistence.
One of the most prevalent misconception is the belief that only women can be victims of domestic abuse. This misconception overlooks the experience of male survivor and can prevent them seeking help or being taken seriously.
There is a societal expectation that men should be physically strong and be able to protect themselves. This misconception disregards the power dynamics and emotional manipulation that can be present in abusive relationships, which can make it difficult for anyone to leave or defend themselves.
Reporting abuse or seeking help is often stigmatised for men due to societal exceptions of masculinity. This misconception can discourage male survivors from coming forward and seeking the support they need.
The Paul Lavelle Foundation was created to raise awareness of male domestic abuse, support male victims and survivors and provide healthy relationship education as a preventative measure. It was created after the devastating loss of Paul by his family and friends.
I would encourage any male survivor reading this blog to visit their website https://paullavellefoundation.co.uk/ which is full of useful information. You are not alone.
In a world where stereotypes and misconceptions often overshadow the experiences of male survivors, it is crucial to shed light on stories of strength and resilience. Male survivors of domestic abuse deserve to be heard, believed and supported.
Remember, no one deserves to be abused, and seeking help is a sign of courage, not weakness.
Over the years, many male survivors have opened up to me and shared their lived experience with me, all too often feeling shame and embarrassment.
In return I share some of my story with them, to show empathy and to tell them, I understand. Often they are shocked how similar some of stories are.
For any male survivor reading this blog, my key message to you is, you’re not alone and your voice matters.
One in seven men (13.9%) and one in four women (27%) will be a victim of domestic abuse in their lifetime, which is why it is imperative to create a more inclusive and supportive for all survivors of domestic abuse.
On the phone Kashif Anwar said to his wife, “Who the fuck do you think you are?” he says. “You’re a disease in everyone’s life. The sooner you’re dead or the sooner you’re out of my life the better.”
He told her exactly what he was going to do. The world heard what he was going to do to her but because “they are just words” nothing can be done until it’s too late.
I believe there is a pattern to what perpetrators say and as to what they carry out. A particularly common theme is a perpetrator who says, “if I can’t have you, no one can”. This is usually said when the survivor has found the strength and courage to escape the situation. It’s at that point when the perpetrator is losing the power and control over their partner they chose to do what they do.
For me, my experience was the perpetrator using his own daughter as a weapon to maintain the power and control over me when he hit me for the last time splitting my lip open in 2006 as I held her as a ten-month-old baby in my arms. He always told me I was a shit mum, he would get social services involved and that he would get her taken off me. To maintain his power and control over me, he dragged me through the Family Court – and yes social services were involved.
You see, words play an extremely important part in domestic abuse because they tell us so much about the perpetrator and what they are capable of doing.
“I will find you and I will kill you” an extremely famous quote in a film for for so many it’s a reality of domestic abuse. We have to go back to the beginning – if we aren’t talking about coercive control, we aren’t talking about domestic abuse – of the relationship where we first meet the caring partner. They are so caring, charming and oozing charisma – they’ve got everyone fooled – finding out about their partner; where they lived, where they work, who they socialise with, what they absolutely love about there life. They are gathering information in readiness to take it all away in the blink of an eye; isolation, control, manipulation. They are monitoring movements so they know exactly where to find their partner.
Domestic abuse is about being in control with perpetrators knowing exactly what they are doing, long before they do it. They are in control. Always. There is always a consequence for an action when existing in a domestic abuse situation.
You never see a perpetrator out of control or angry, but you will see a victim of domestic abuse in that situation because before they’ve phoned the Police the perpetrator has said, no one will believe you, I’ll tell them it was all you. And that’s exactly what happens.
Words are very powerful to perpetrators because they know the impact it has on their partner, how it breaks them down piece by piece. How it psychologically and physically drains them. Words hare the ammunition used by a perpetrator to gain and maintain power and control. Not only over their partner, but also the situation they are in. They don’t treat anyone else in their life this way, only their partner, therefore they are in control.
If we all listen carefully to perpetrators, they tell us what they are going to do and this is why we must, must, MUST keep talking about coercive control and not focus on physical violence alone. Words are deadly and dangerous but always present and full of evidence.
Where do you think you’re going out dressed like that, which means if you go out dressed like that tonight, when you come back I’m going to smell your underwear to see if you are having sex with someone else because why would you even want to go out when you have me.
Don’t go to work today let’s spend the day together because if you don’t, when you get home I’m going go accuse you of having an affair with your boss and I’ll beat you black and blue, how dare you cheat on me you slag.
Let’s stay in together tonight and watch a film don’t go to your mums because she knows what I am and what I’m going to do to you so I’m going to smash your phone to thousands of pieces when you get back so you won’t be able to contact the bitch again.
Domestic abuse is more than a bruise, it’s about power and control and the power and control is in the words of a perpetrator.
Words hold immense power in the realm of domestic abuse. Perpetrators skillfully manipulate and control their partner through language, perpetrating a cycle of fear and control.
Professionals and practitioners need to be more aware of the power of words from the mouths of perpetrators. Recording and reporting coercive control and verbal threats MUST be taken seriously from the outset and not minimised in anyway shape or form, they are evidence of what is going to happen.
By acknowledging and responding appropriately to these reports, professionals can provide crucial support and resources to those affected. Taking reports seriously validates the experience of survivors, encourages them to seek help, and breaks the cycle of abuse. It also sends a powerful message that domestic abuse is not tolerated and that survivors will be heard and supported. Together, we can create a society that prioritizes the safety and well-being of all individuals.
Listening to the words of perpetrators will help safe the lives of survivors.
It’s so important that we start the conversation about coercive control and continue the conversation because it’s there at the beginning and it’s there at the end.
Another important thing that we have to focus on is the fact that the perpetrator isn’t only controlling their partner but they are also controlling professionals, agencies, in fact everyone else around them.
It’s not only the survivor of domestic abuse that sees the perpetrator for the charming partner, everyone else does to, yet, it’s only the survivor who is blamed for not seeing them as the controlling perpetrator!
If only domestic abuse was as easy as a punch in the face on the first date, instead of charm, charisma and care, but it isn’t, it’s about power and control with the perpetrator doing all they can to gain and maintain that power and control.
If the onus is always on the survivor and the perpetrator is never held accountable then nothing will ever change. We need to start changing the narrative.
Domestic abuse happens because perpetrators choose to abuse, no one chooses to be a victim of domestic abuse.
That first night I met him, if he had slapped me across the face there would have been no second date but because he made me feel safe, he made me smile, he made me feel special; he was in control from the second I sat next to him at that table. I told him how close I was to my mum, how I loved my job as a legal secretary and that I had a busy social life. Never for one minute thinking I was giving him all the ammunition he needed to isolate, manipulate and control me, taking away my support network.
Many of you reading this will be saying, but he didn’t stop you doing those things though did he? Of course you could have phoned or visited your mum, you could have gone out with friends and you could have gone to work if you really wanted to. How can someone MAKE you stop doing those things?
It was the consequences that followed that made me stop doing those things. The physical violence, the verbal threats, the looks and gestures that followed. That followed EVERY single time that I phoned my mum, after I went out with friends and when I got home from work.
When I met him, he seemed so popular with everyone telling me what a grate guy he was and how he would look after me. So many people saying the same thing, so who was I to argue or disagree?
He would be so helpful to the little old lady next door yet at home and behind closed doors was a completely different story but no one saw that, so it didn’t happen but they saw him clean the neighbours guttering.
When the Police arrived he was calm and in control, when he instructed a solicitor to start family court proceedings I was the bitch who wouldn’t let him see his daughter, when he wanted us to have mediation I was the one who was the problem. Professionals are also blinded by coercive control, they too see the caring partner not the controlling perpetrator.
Remember, domestic abuse isn’t a one of, it doesn’t happen once during and that’s it. It’s a pattern of behaviour that increases in severity and frequency; it never stops.
The consequences are paralyzing and makes it difficult to break free from the cycle of abuse. The emotional manipulation and control tactics not only made me feel trapped but also dependent on him. The fear of the repercussions from leaving were terrifying, he would be losing control and I would become even more vulnerable.
When talking about domestic abuse as a whole we must, and I cannot stress this enough, we must talk about coercive control and continue that conversation. You can’t feel it, you can’t see or smell it, but it’s always there. It’s deadly.
Understanding the consequences of coercive control and domestic abuse is important because it helps us to recognise its impact on survivors. It also helps us develop empathy, support systems and work toward prevention.
I always talk about coercive control because to understand domestic abuse we must first understand coercive control. Coercive control takes away choices but always gives consequences. Domestic abuse is about power and control with a perpetrator doing all they can to gain and maintain that power and control.
For many men and women, coercive control can often begin at the honeymoon period of the relationship and that control can often be mistaken as care. The first thing to understand is perpetrators are clever, manipulating everyone around them not only the survivor.
Whenever new relationships are formed we often focus on the survivors behaviour, for example, they are criticised for not answering our calls, for no longer socialising with us or having unauthorised days off work. We don’t look at the root cause, we automatically blame them for changing. We don’t stop to think about isolation, manipulation or control. We see it as romantic when their new partner calls or texts to know where they are or when they turn up unannounced at work, we see the perpetrator as caring.
All too often we are oblivious to coercive control because survivors minimise it, blame themselves or sweep it under the carpet, whilst we fail to see the impact of coercive control
We might notice they’ve become withdrawn, a change in their appearance and how they have stopped socialising with us but we still don’t notice the impact, all we see is the caring partner, not the controlling perpetrator.
We let the visible scars override the invisible because we don’t understand coercive control. Many survivors don’t experience physical violence yet almost all will experience coercive control, many without realising it.
Those experiencing coercive control aren’t given a choice, their choices are taken away from them, they become fearful of the consequences
This is why we must carry on the conversation about coercive control because their are so many experiencing and so many not understanding it.
They walk amongst us, they walk with us and the will always start off as really nice people.
It is crucial that we continue to shed light on how these behaviours manifest because coercive control is domestic abuse and we need to learn to look for the invisible signs.’
Over the years I have often said if we spoke about perpetrators as a while it would sound like we are taking about the same person.
We can also see quite clearly common characteristics within a perpetrator. Don’t forget, all perpetrators have one thing in common and that is to gain and maintain power and control over their partner.
Of course all perpetrators are nice in the beginning, it’s part of their characteristic to not only charm the survivor but also society too; family, friends, colleagues. Being nice throws everyone off the scent, makes the survivor minimise what is happening oh but they are nice really and nice makes it difficult for survivors to be believed.
Perpetrators are manipulative and by using manipulative tactics they can influence and dominate their partner making it harder for them to leave the abusive situation. Manipulation is a common characteristic used by perpetrators to maintain a hold over their partner.
Love bombing is when the perpetrator showers their partner with affection to manipulate them emotionally. Gaslighting involves the perpetrator making their partner doubt their own reality and a perpetrator will also guilt trip their partner making them feel responsible for the abuse.
These are just 3 of the common characteristics because as well as seeing a pattern in their behaviour we also see a pattern in the perpetrators personality.
Perpetrators often exhibit traits like manipulation, control and possessiveness, stemming from a desire for power and dominance over their partner. By exerting control through manipulation tactics, perpetrators feel a sense of power and maintain their hold over their partner.
We need to be more observant and continue to look for the invisible signs that are in plain sight.
It’s crucial to identify the characteristics of perpetrators of domestic abuse because it helps in understanding the warning signs and patterns of abusive behaviour. By recognising these traits early on, we can help guide individuals protect themselves and seek help before the situation escalates.
We need to continue shedding a light on these traits in order to raise awareness, to create a more informed supportive community and enhance societies understanding of domestic abuse.
The perpetrator I existed with was so nice he would always help the little old lady next door but behind closed doors it was a very different story.
We are definitely talking more about domestic abuse nowadays than we did years ago. There has been a significant increase in awareness and conversations surrounding domestic abuse, which has helped shed light on this important issue. It’s encouraging to see more attention being give to such a critical topic. However, I’m deeply concerned that as a society we aren’t really talking about domestic in its entirety, which is putting survivors at further risk.
We need to move away from the fanatical focus of physical violence only when we talk about domestic abuse.
Domestic abuse is more than a bruise. Domestic abuse is about power and control, with a perpetrator doing all they can to gain and maintain power and control over their partner.
Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish or frighten their victim. Coercive control is used to make a person dependent by isolating them from support, exploiting them, depriving them of independence and regulating their behaviour.
If we aren’t talking about coercive control, we aren’t talking about domestic abuse. This is an extremely important message that we all need to shout about.
Looking back at my own lived experience everything is in plain sight.
His control began the moment I sat next to him in the pub when he first met. When, as we do as human being when meeting someone new, I opened up to him, told him where I worked, the close relationship I had with my mum and how I enjoyed socialising with my friends. Coercive control took everything away from me.
Coercive control is dangerous because it’s not visible and nor do you feel it but it is all around you, constantly walking on eggshells and simply existing, never living.
There is a thin line between care and control, making it difficult to identify, especially as it can start at the honeymoon period of the relationship when everything is new and exciting.
Behaviours are subtle and insidious, making it challenging for survivors are unable to recognise it as abuse, it can be brushed off, minimised and swept under the carpet.
This is why changing the narrative is important and we need to continually carry on the conversation about coercive control because it doesn’t start with physical violence.
Some characteristics of coercive control can include but is not limited to, isolation, monitoring and controlling activities, restricting access to resources, using threats and intimidation, and manipulating emotions to maintain power and control. Understanding these characteristics is crucial in identifying and addressing coercive control in relationships.
The constant fear and manipulation can have a significant impact on a person’s mental and emotional well being, making it challenging to break free from the cycle of abuse. This is why we should keep raising awareness of this crime.
Coercive control is a criminal offence, which carries a maximum of 5 years’ imprisonment, a fine or both; which is why all professionals, including the police, must have a clear understanding of what coercive control is.
For me, it wasn’t the control that controlled me, it was the consequences. Always the consequences.
When I was a victim of domestic abuse, I remember lying in bed night after night, tears streaming down my face, trying to think of a way of how to leave him. I so desperately wanted to leave but I was absolutely petrified of him. I knew exactly what he was capable of and I knew how his verbal threats could become reality at any time.
I was so focused on trying to leave him that I didn’t focus on what life would be like without him.
Domestic abuse had been normal life for me for the last 3 years, that was all I knew, I didn’t know any different.
November 2006 was the last time the abuser physically hit me but that wasn’t the last time he abused me. An abuser will do all they can to gain and maintain power and control over their partner.
No one tells you what life will be like once you have left an abuser.
Certain things can be a trigger for me, even 13 years down the line domestic abuse still has an impact on me and my life. Even now.
Whenever I was late as a victim of domestic abuse there was always a consequence that I would have to pay. When we first got together, he wouldn’t give me a key to the front door and I would have to wait outside the front door for him to come back from the pub before he would let me in. I would have to cook his meal for him.
When I was sacked from my job, he gave me a key.
Whenever I went shopping, I would meet my mum in secret or visit her at home, he would bombard me with calls and text messages, demanding to know where I was. If I didn’t respond to them, he would get his mother to phone me and she would often leave me a voicemail, telling me how much her son loved me, what a good son he was and he was missing me. This was a regular occurrence.
If I went to the local shop, which was literally 5 minutes away from the flat, he would bombard me with phone calls and I would have to tell him who I had seen, who I had spoken to and what I said to them. If I said I hadn’t seen anyone, he would say I was lying and that I wasn’t really at the shop.
On one occasion, when he came back from the pub, we ordered a pizza. He was drunk and falling asleep on the arm chair, so when the delivery guy rang the buzzer (we lived in a flat, on the 7th floor) I went down to get the pizza from him. The abuser had woken up whilst I was collecting the pizza from the lobby and upon my return, he was verbally abusive to me, saying I was cheating on him and I had had sex with the delivery guy because I had been too long.
Nowadays, I am always early and even if I am one minute late it can send me into a panic attack and I always fear that the person who is waiting for me will be extremely angry with me.
Sub-consciously I know that it’s absolutely ok and acceptable to be late, things in life happen to make us late and it’s part of life, however, sometimes his behaviour is still there, but I am getting better.
Sundays were always a bad day for me, when I existed with an abuser. He was always in the pub, he believed that’s what Sundays were for, him in the pub all day whilst I stayed at home preparing his Sunday lunch ready for whatever ridiculous time he got back.
When I left home and moved into his flat with him, I had no idea how to cook but I quickly learned the hard way. If it wasn’t cooked to his standard, it would be thrown up the kitchen wall and I would have to cook it again, until it was right.
He would always hover around me in the kitchen, telling me when I was doing something wrong, shouting at me how thick I was and that I wasn’t a proper woman because I couldn’t cook.
Nowadays I can’t stand anyone being in the kitchen with me when I’m cooking. I have to be completely on my own. Even if someone comes in to get a drink, I freeze and can’t carry on with what I am doing, until they have left the kitchen.
I remember one day, my father was standing in the kitchen with me as I was preparing a Sunday roast. I was just about to cut the chicken and I could feel his presence behind me, I froze and I asked him, how do I cut the chicken, because I was frightened I would do it wrong and that would cause consequences. When he joked, with a knife, I broke down in floods of tears. My poor Father had done nothing wrong and I had to explain that it was a trigger and why it happened.
He would always demoralise and humiliate me whenever I got dressed up in my favourite outfit for night out, early on in our relationship. So I stopped. Even now, I won’t buy or dress up in that favourite outfit because when I do his voice is still in my heard; you’re only dressed like that to draw attention to yourself. You don’t need anyone else now you are with me.
I have been single for a long, long time and I know I can wear whatever I like but his behaviour still has an impact on me today, to the point where I won’t even look in the mirror because of his cruel words.
Those nights I lay in bed trying to plan my escape from the abuser, had no idea what life after domestic abuse would be like. I guess we don’t think that it will really be any different but it is but it’s important that we have this conversation.
It’s only when we start a conversation, like this one, that we realise that we aren’t alone.
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Societal acceptance of domestic abuse is widespread across the nation and many of us accept it because we aren’t being physically hit. If upon first meeting an abuser and they punched us in the face, we would most definitely not see them again but domestic abuse is not that easy to identify. In fact, I don’t think we identify it as domestic abuse for a very long time, if at all.
For me, the physical violence didn’t happen straightaway and when it did happen for the first time, you dismiss it. I got off the bed, turned around and tried to open the door, he pulled me back by grabbing my top and spinning me around. As our eyes locked for a second, his hand came from out of nowhere, catching the corner of my cheek and eye. Time at that moment seemed to have suddenly stopped as I stood completely still, not daring to move an inch. What the hell just happened? I asked myself. As I stood in disbelief in front of him, he started looked as shocked as I felt he looked full of remorse as he started to cry and he couldn’t apologise enough. The slap stung my face but I think it was my pride that hurt more than anything, if I am honest.
At that moment, I didn’t think of anything else that had happened in our relationship. I never once thought about him isolating me from my parents, I never once thought about the night he ridiculed me and called me a fucking slut, when I was going out with a girlfriend and I never once thought about how quickly my life had changed in such a short space of time. I didn’t think of anything other than, what the hell just happened?
I know how sorry he was because he couldn’t stop apologising to me and he kept telling me how much he loved me and he didn’t mean it. Of course, he didn’t mean it, he loved me and nothing bad up to this point had happened in our relationship.
Even though he had hit me, not once did I think I was a victim of domestic abuse. I had never even heard of the term domestic abuse, let alone anything else. I knew it wasn’t right that he had slapped me, but he was sorry so it wouldn’t happen again, right? And for a while, there wasn’t any physical violence. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t a victim of domestic abuse.
Domestic abuse happens subtly, it’s like a dripping tap that drips slowly that you get so used to it that you can no longer hear it. The behaviour that you are experiencing becomes normal to you, so you accept and tolerate it. You don’t tell anyone what is happening to you behind closed doors because you think it happens in all relationships, it happens to everyone, so you carry on regardless.
The traditional thought of domestic abuse when we hear the term is physical violence, we don’t always see the bigger picture. When we meet an abuser for the first time, they are charming, caring and charismatic and that’s what we fall in love with, we fall in love with those characteristics. It’s when we have fallen in love with those characteristics that the true characteristics of a abuser come to the surface.
One of the main ingredients to any abusive relationship is isolation because the abuser needs to take their victim away from their support network. Without a support network, victims’ friends, family and colleagues can’t notice any of the changes in the victim. Isolation often happens at the honey moon stage of the relationship whereby friends and family think and believe that the victim has pushed them away because they want to spend more time with the abuser.
We think that when an abuser tells us about that one friend who seems jealous of us they will only cause trouble for us during our relationship so it’s best we don’t see that friend any more, we see it as them being caring and romantic, looking out for us. We don’t see it for what it is, taking us away from our support network.
Domestic abuse is about power and control, with an abuser doing all they can to gain and maintaining that power and control over their victim. An abuser doesn’t have to physically touch you to abuse you.
When I first got with the abuser, I was living at home with my parents (I had just signed the contract to go on the mortgage deed), working as a Legal Secretary and I was taking driving lessons. However, in a short space of time I lost my independence completely.
He hated me having a relationship with my mother, I think he hated our closeness and the fact that she would notice the change in my behaviour immediately.
He kept telling me over and over that the only way I got my job as a Legal Secretary was by sleeping with my boss.
Every time I got back to the flat after a driving lesson, he would always say that there was something going on between me and the training instructor. He would always accuse me of having an affair with him and cheating on him. There were always consequences I had to pay, normally verbal so it was just easier to stop the driving lessons.
In the midst of it, I didn’t realise the abuser was actually taking me away from my own independence to enable him to abuse completely.
His humiliation of calling me a fucking slag, when I was going out with a girlfriend for a drink one night and his bombardment of phone calls and text messages, ending my social life in an instant. It was just easier to stay at home.
I learned that quite quickly, things that I liked to do that he didn’t like me doing, it was just easier to stay at home and stop doing the things that he didn’t like me doing. What was okay one day wasn’t okay the next and I was constantly walking on eggshells not knowing what I was doing wrong, even when I was doing it right!
It is so exhausting existing with an abuser. It was physically and mentally draining. A look, a glance or a stare can intimidate a victim of domestic abuse. An abuser doesn’t have to physically touch you to abuse you.
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Coercive control is an act or pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.
Abusive relationships rarely start out physical, and coercive control can be difficult to detect, as it is a slow deliberate process that develops over time.
Using coercive control to harm, punish or frighten you, depriving you of basic needs, such as food; monitoring your time and movements; taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep; repeatedly putting you down; humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you; controlling your finances and limiting your access to money.
An abuser will often use pressure-tactics, including sulking, disconnecting the phone, taking the car away, threatening to rerport you to the police, social services or mental health team unless you comply with their demands; threatening or attempting self-harm and suicide, lying to your friends and family about you; telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
Abusers will often disrespect you, by persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, taking money from your purse without asking.
Abuse can be psychological and/or physical, sexual or financial and is very common. It can affect anyone, regardless of their gender or sexuality.
Controlling behaviour works to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.
Coercive control is defined as an ongoing psychological behaviour, rather than isolated or unconnected incidents, with the purpose of removing a victim’s freedom.
When I was a victim of domestic abuse, coercive control wasn’t a crime then, however, since 2015 coercive or controlling behaviour is now a crime and it is something I certainly experienced.
I was isolated from friends and family
He monitored time, he would even time me when I went to the toilet
He took control over aspects of my everyday life; he controlled what I could and couldn’t wear, who I could and couldn’t speak to, when I slept and when I didn’t
He repeatedly put me down
He would often humiliate, degrade and dehumanise me
He always made threats and intimidated me
It is important for us all to be more aware of different types of abuse that can occur in an intimate relationship.
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SODA 